Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
