at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
