You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
