He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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