I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
