And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize