I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
