You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
