just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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