how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
