I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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