You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
