I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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