I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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