I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
