I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
