So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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