Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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