What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
