So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
