You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
