Too much gin, very little bucket
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
