She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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