I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
