So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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