Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
