Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
