So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
