i will never coherently bang her
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
