Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize