I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
