Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
