I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
