We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
