Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
