I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
