his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize