Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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