Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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