That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
