i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
