So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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