Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
