you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
