she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
