Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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