Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
