we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
