remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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