I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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