I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
