highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
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