my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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