GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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