Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
