Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
